“That” stage

This is how I pictured motherhood would be like: Me, right here, writing on this blog as the kids played around. You know, me doing my thing… them, doing their thing. As I remembered doing it when I was a child.

It sure took a while and the sleep deprivation nearly got me to the edge of my mental health (that’s actually a lie, I went far beyond the edge) but I think we are here.

We are at that stage where the kids wanna play with each other, even though they still want our attention.

At this point, we can actually take them for a ride. They won’t be screaming, trying to get  off the car seat, vomiting, driving us crazy…. and I won’t be sitting in the back with them.

We can also do fun stuff together like play games.

They no longer make me nervous that they might need to be breast fed at the same time or throw up at the same time. Be burped at the same time. God.

No wonder I’m traumatized. Even remembering it makes kinda shaky.

But now, we are at that stage where I actually have so much time for myself (like, a whole hour)  I barely know how to handle it. I am so used to taking short showers and running somewhere that I forgot (I absolutely forgot) how to relax.

It sounds like something fun to learn again, though.

I am happy we are at this stage today.

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Terrorism

As mothers, all we wanna do is to cuddle with our babies.

When a mother is born, a great fear is born with her. We are afraid of losing our babies and we are also afraid that our babies might lose us way too soon, before they are ready, before they understand what death is.

Death is a big part of the world right now. Therefore, I find myself scared of sending them to school, to concerts, or even to the playground.

Still, this paralyzing fear cannot make me wonder if I should in fact have had children. Nothing could ever change my mind. I was born to be their mom. I knew I’d be afraid. I have always been afraid of everything.

I am a runner who ran away from a place she considered not to be safe for her children. Yet, as I listen to the benefit concert Ariana Grande did for the victims of the attack in Manchester I can’t help but think to myself “is there a safe place”?  If there is, can we call just go there?

I know all of us moms would love to be there. This world is not meant for a mother’s heart.

How does a mother who can’t protect her baby in her arms feel? How does a mother who can’t feed her children feel? How does a mother with a sick child feel?

What the fuck is wrong with this world? Actually, what the fuck is right?

People have “unfriend” me on facebook when I moved to Canada. Out of jealousy, maybe. Not the terrorists, the good people. The people who are supposed to “fight” evil.

This is something I’ve learned from my husband and my amazing best friend. I’ve learned to be tolerant, to give people a chance, to just fucking let them be happy – no matter how stupid their accomplishments might seem to you.

But these people can’t do that.

Unhappy people are unable to just let others be. They want everything to be more miserable than they are. That way, they won’t feel like the most miserable people on Earth.

Some people will just envy you, unfriend you from the stupid facebook. Some people will attack our babies and make every mother’s worst fears come to life.

“Terror”  is, in fact, a good word to describe it, no wonder they use it.

Right now, I am terrified of life and I don’t know where to run.

I’ve watched the interviews where they asked the children at the Manchester benefit concert “why did you come back?” and they said “because you can’t live in fear. you have to live your life”.

They are right. I have lived in fear for months longer than I can count. Every day I waste worrying about something that is not happening, just afraid of the bad stuff that could happen is a day I did not live.

Fear is a powerful thing.

I hope I can teach my children to not be afraid and to live their lives but for that to happen I guess I should learn how to do that myself.

I wish I knew where to start.

 

It’s never too late to start again, take another breath and say another prayer.

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Like some humans, I have a constant need to be heading somewhere. I am not cut out for the whole “sitting at the porch and waiting for death”  routine. In fact, I am not cut out for routine at all.

As I look at the people around me I cannot imagine how it’s possible that some of them have been coming to the same building, staring at the same desk, and doing the same choirs for over 10 years.

Go to work, go home; Go to work, go home. Repeat a few times. Die. Is that it?

If I were God, I’d interfere… specially since this killer routine refers to the lucky people on this Earth. The ones who have a job and a home to go to.

Shit, that’s messed up. – on my humble opinion.

I wish we could all just wake up every day and think “what kind of exciting new adventure are we having today?” you know… probably the way rich people live – until they realize it’s all so easy and  start doing drugs. But that’s not what I’m writing about today.

Well, I obviously am not rich, so let’s cross that off of my list…

Instead, I decided to make a plan for the future. Not the “one day I might…” kind of future, but this year’s future. I made that decision the other day when I got home and realized life was kind of all figured out and I wasn’t that excited about it.

I was very thankful we were all healthy and happy. Don’t get me wrong! I am oh-so-thankful. Yet, I was surprisingly  bored.

I had had my beautiful daughters, moved to another country, got a pretty decent job, we moved to our first real house (not a basement anymore!) and we finally got a car.

Now what?

 

I set on the couch and stared at the wall. For some reason I couldn’t enjoy the quiet. I was not quiet inside. I wanted to jump, explore, go somewhere, change the world, bake a cake… just figure out where I was going next! There was no way that couch was my final destination in life even though it was a pretty nice couch with everyone I loved around me. I could stare at my girls forever, but I also wanted to enjoy the ride a little bit more… since we had been blessed with a pretty smooth ride.

I decided I’d learn a new language and visit the oh-so-beautiful French speaking cities in Canada. Who knows… maybe it’ll be love at first sight and we’ll end up moving there.

Hey, Shell… are you projecting your problems into the city you live and thinking that by moving away oh-so-many times you won’t bring your problems with you?

Well, dear reader… I have thought about that and the answer is ” not really”.

I was very excited to leave Brazil and then very excited to leave Ajax. If I couldn’t move anymore I would definitely stay in Ottawa. It is by far the best place we have lived (taking in consideration stuff that is important to our family and  other families might think differently). We are learning about a new place and we have the “privilege” to be alone here, which allows us to move around without having to cut any strings.

For as beautiful as downtown Ottawa is, it does not compare – to me – to Montreal or Quebec. I do like it a LOT better than Toronto… but I’m not in love.

I wanna be in love! And it looks pretty easy… look:

 

The architect inside be needs to be around very, very old and warm looking buildings and the husband put his foot down on the whole moving to Europe idea (we are greatly afraid of the upcoming world war =/ )… so, that’s it. I need to see it. I need to fall in love with a place before I write our story there. Explore, until we find our new home. Start over. Delete the old entries on this blog.

Sounds like a plan to me!

What will you be doing next?

I can take next to nothing.

Even though I am and always have been panicking for all sorts of reasons, I am still conscious enough to realize my reasons are small.

There’s a saying in Portuguese that says God will only give you as much as you can take. If there is in fact a God up there, I’m happy He realizes I can handle next to nothing and that’s fine by me.

At the end of the day, we are finally living in Canada, I finally got a decent job, and my girls are perfect. On top of that, we all love each other.

Today, I came home with chest pains.

I called my cousin during lunch and she told me that not only her 14 days old baby probably had a syndrome , it’s possible that he’ll need brain surgery. As in, his soft spot is not soft, leaving his brain no room to grow, as the skull is not flexible as it should be at that age. Hopefully, the x-ray will show that the skull is just overlapped. I mean, that’s what I am hoping for after trying to google some good news.

She was desperate. She hasn’t slept ever since he was born. She is afraid of looking away. There’s absolutely nothing she can do to help her child and that killed me.

I pray to this God I believe from time to time that things always work out for me. I am not strong at all. I’m afraid of birds. Tiny birds. That’s how much I can’t handle problems. I am just not prepared for this world.

Our kids are a handful. I sleep with one eye open. I haven’t felt rested in about 3 years. I am exhausted and I miss tons of things. that can only mean one thing: We are the lucky ones.

 

 

 

One easy day

There’s isn’t much to write about yesterday, and maybe I even shouldn’t, but the fact is I want to remember it forever.

A nice Saturday. Nothing major.

We went to Walmart.

They do not request feeding every 2 hours anymore. They don’t wanna be carried around (although they still enjoy it). And, if they get hungry during our “trip”, we can just get them some regular milk and fries from McDonald’s. Which basically means there’s no more carrying the huge baby bags (we could never fit everything in one) with the diapers and the formula and the bottles, baby wipes, towel, extra set of clothes and a bunch of stuff I don’t even remember anymore.

But it’s not like that anymore. Not yesterday. Yesterday , they enjoyed spring for the first time in Canada. I documented it (poorly) as it was the first time they ever saw the little yellow flowers. “Wooooow” – they said. While carefully touching them without ever attempting to catching them.

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I think that’s special. And I could not dream about these moments just a couple months ago when they were so dependent and they would absolutely not sleep through the night – nor for more than 20 minutes during the day.

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So, we came home and I was psychologically prepared for the wining and watching them so they don’t throw stuff on the toilet… you know, the usual. But what happened was, they slept for 2 hours – which gave me time to set up the shoe rack I got for their playroom while we don’t have a car to go shop for proper furniture (and Ikea charges 100 dollars to deliver. Does anyone else have a better idea? I’m rather new here.)

So, I did that and when they woke up, they spent the rest of the day playing with their toys.

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Aurora did get too excited with the new yogurts and threw up around mid-night, but that’s basically just because earlier that day I had giggled when I read Bumbi’s mom poem and the universe HAD to get back at me.

But I won’t remember that part.

Just a nice Saturday…

*And I kept it under 1200 calories… I don’t really get hungry when I’m this calm. =)

 

 

Sleeping levels

Yesterday, I didn’t worry about attempting to put the girls to bed early, since I didn’t have to wake up early myself the next morning.

So, we were basically playing and watching “Inside Out” for the 50th time and, at one point something MAGICAL happened:

Aurora took my by the hand and walked me to the room. They both hopped into the bed and hugged me, as  we kept watching the movie for about 5minutes and they simply rolled over and fell asleep.

I was appalled by that scene and about how much things had changed.

I remembered the days when they’d cry themselves to sleep, the times when I’d rock them for 3 hours until they finally fell sleep… the days when my mom and I would wake up at least 4 times every night to feed each one of them. Oh, how we danced!

I couldn’t imagine the day when we’d just cuddle and fall asleep watching movies.

It feels amazing.

I absolutely couldn’t imagine the day they’d be playing tea party and I’d be writing this.

I’m a big fan of Katie and I read her blog every day, since I have no record of my first months with my girls. It’s a good reminder that those days where hard. We’ve been through most of the same things and I find it important for me to keep in touch with those hard days… otherwise I might think it’s always been like this and consider having twins again.

I won’t. I couldn’t.

I wish.

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Shhhh…

It’s a beautiful fall in small Brockville. They’ve just fallen asleep on the couch. Barely a foot away from me. I have to be quiet. The dishes are waiting. There’s some leftover pizza that’s been there for a while now… but being a mom is not about getting small tasks done. Being a mom is not about peeing whenever you feel like it either. It’s about being quiet… or the babies will wake up.

It’s not that you want your babies to sleep through the day, but yes, you do want them to sleep through the night. You need that energy.

Last night was one of those nights… and the night before that too.

The girls have a running nose. No fever, thank God. But the running nose keeps them awake. I danced around with Aurora from 3:30 to 5:00am. Agatha woke up crying. My husband took her downstairs and they watched cartoons until she fell back asleep.

We are both so tired.

Tonight can’t be another hard night. It just can’t. I do not have the energy.

So, why am I here writing about it, instead of sleeping?

The fear of them waking up keeps me awake. The writing calms me down. The cappuccino in my beautiful cup makes me happy… I’m all about the small things and the sceneries.

Please remind me of how I feel today, if I ever lose my mind one day and decide to go for the triplets.

Thank you,

Yours truly.

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