I can take next to nothing.

Even though I am and always have been panicking for all sorts of reasons, I am still conscious enough to realize my reasons are small.

There’s a saying in Portuguese that says God will only give you as much as you can take. If there is in fact a God up there, I’m happy He realizes I can handle next to nothing and that’s fine by me.

At the end of the day, we are finally living in Canada, I finally got a decent job, and my girls are perfect. On top of that, we all love each other.

Today, I came home with chest pains.

I called my cousin during lunch and she told me that not only her 14 days old baby probably had a syndrome , it’s possible that he’ll need brain surgery. As in, his soft spot is not soft, leaving his brain no room to grow, as the skull is not flexible as it should be at that age. Hopefully, the x-ray will show that the skull is just overlapped. I mean, that’s what I am hoping for after trying to google some good news.

She was desperate. She hasn’t slept ever since he was born. She is afraid of looking away. There’s absolutely nothing she can do to help her child and that killed me.

I pray to this God I believe from time to time that things always work out for me. I am not strong at all. I’m afraid of birds. Tiny birds. That’s how much I can’t handle problems. I am just not prepared for this world.

Our kids are a handful. I sleep with one eye open. I haven’t felt rested in about 3 years. I am exhausted and I miss tons of things. that can only mean one thing: We are the lucky ones.

 

 

 

I miss being young

I was watching that documentary about Jared Leto’s band and I realized something: I really miss being young. I’ve been in love with a fan of Jared since he played Jordan Catalano on My So-called life. That TV show was so powerful and inspiring to me in so many ways I could talk about it forever.

Every character had this inner battle, specially Jared’s. And, every time he closed his eyes and leaned against the wall it was like there were a million things going through his had and he was carrying this huge load he just couldn’t talk about because nobody would understand… or maybe he just couldn’t express it in words. So, all we got from him were these simple 2 or 3 words sentences. He wasn’t from this superficial world. To get into his mind you’d have to go deeper. Nobody could have played it better than a future oscar winner.

To me, as a teenager, it was kinda like that. Every little thing about the world was so intense. I was this weird, complicated kid who was afraid of brushing her hair because it could reveal some disease – I got that from watching movies I was NOT old enough to watch with my mom -. But that’s just who I was… at least that’s what I felt like. A little Jordan Catalano, who could read.

When I was 15 one of our teachers asked us to write a text about a book. The book wasn’t poetic at all, but my review was. She said that there was a poet inside me, longing to come out and show himself to the world. I felt like I could do anything when she said that in front of the whole class. I felt artistic and filled with all these feelings… I’ll never forget her.

But I grew up. I’m a mom in my mid 30’s. That pretty much means I’m not allowed to die my hair blue ’cause I feel like I don’t belong. I’m not allowed to wear cool clothes ’cause I’m not Brad Pitt and people probably won’t hire me if I show up dressing the way I did back when my so-called life was still on. I have a pattern to follow… it’s the responsible thing to do and the kids gotta eat.

Which brings us back to jared…

He still closes his eyes in the middle of a sentence and you can tell he’s really emotional about what he’s saying. I wish I could do that.

It’s so cool that when you’re an artist you get a poetic license to express yourself even when you’re older. Steven Tyler does it very well too. And I think us, normal people totally deserve that. I mean, I miss it. I should not miss it. I should be able to be me and experience every intense feeling of the world instead of surviving every day worrying about finding a job or the bills I gotta pay.

Yes, there’s people suffering in Africa and even back home, right next to me and my complaints are shallow. I’m sorry. Blame it on the poet inside, who just wishes to feel, instead of just getting by.

Good night, guys. And please, no spoilers on my amost-10-years-old documentary. The babies only allow me to watch like 10 mintutes a day. It’ll take me a while!

Unemployment

There is a good side to being unemployed. Actually, there’s a shiny golden, filled with stars and unicorns side to it if you have a baby – or two – . If the kids go to sleep at 1am you are not desperate! You can actually use your “what-the-heck-I’ll-just-sleep-in-tomorrow card”.

Part of me is really scared of going back to work and leave the girls, though…but the remaining parts all really want to order stuff from Pottery Barn. That’s pretty much how shallow people can actually be in this world… or I could just make up a speech about paying for their colleges and being able to buy a house for us… it would be noble, but I assure you deep down inside I would still be pretty moved by Pottery Barn.

I try very hard not to be addicted to shopping or food like my mom is, but I still feel like I am. Specially because my husband can go weeks without shopping and hours without eating… which just makes me a bigger shopper (??? is that a thing??? ) and, well, pretty fat.

So, I’m sending out resumes, in case you’re hiring (ha-ha) and hoping the girls start talking soon ’cause this whole guessing why they are crying thing is making me quite a bit insane. They are pretty good at communicating and understand everything we say, but, since they have their own language and have deep, long, conversations with one another, they don’t really feel the need to speak OUR language and that’s just hard for me! But, oh well… it’s not as hard as it used to be, for as little as I remember it.

Thing is – I’m so off-topic right now- I hear that women produce (produce?) some sort of hormone when they go through labour that makes her forget about the pain, so she’ll want to do it again. And that’s a real thing.

On my case, I have forgotten about the first months with the girls, in which I couldn’t really take a shower or go to the bathroom, not to mention leave the house, because they were always crying. Always! For 5 months, they were either sleeping or crying. But those memories are really just a blur.

I actually do remember the first 5 days with the girls and then it’s blur, blur, blur, 11 months! Which makes me believe that it’s when I started relaxing.

The weird, crazy, send-me-to-a-mental-hospital-right-now part of the story is that I’d do it again. I hated being pregnant, I hated going through labour (even though I had a c-section) but I’d do it again. And if I ever do get a job in this country (look at me, rescuing the original topic) and actually get pregnant again some day I just hope I don’t have quadruplets. I can totally handle 3 babies. – she said, as she watched her twins sleep and look completely possible to handle.

This Canadian air is making me lose it a bit, eh?

Good night, moms (and Gab) I’m off to watch something with Jared Leto on it (who by the way should multiply hanson-style as a favor to humanity, in my humble opinion).

Bye, now!

Stop it, mom! I’m 33!

Do you ever feel like disappearing? Not vanishing from the world, no. Disappearing from your parent’s cell phone range, I mean. Even though you’re an adult. Am I the only one?

I know I’m pretty close to my parents and part of that is due to the fact that we still live with them (6 days to go). But even back during architecture school when I actually had my own apartment (but almost never spent the night there) I still felt like I owned my parents a overwhelming amount of satisfaction.

I remember this one saturday when I was so tired I wanted to sleep for 40 hours. But I couldn’t! My mom called 27 times (for real) until I got up, got in the bus and went back home. She does that a lot. “Are you gonna sleep all day?” Well, yes. We all deserve to sleep for an entire day every once in a decade. It’s a reward.

She needs to know everything. EVERYTHING. I left a little red paper over the table one day and said to my husband “the first thing my mom is gonna say when she walks into the house is going to be “WHAT’S THAT? THAT’S NEW!”. And I was right. There’s no keeping secrets from her. There’s no keeping nothing from her. She actually found out that I was pregnant before I did. She called me and gave me my own news. That’s messed up.

So, yeah, I am going to miss my dad a lot. But am I a horrible, terrible, mean person for saying I’m glad I’m gonna take a long breath and feel a little lighter for not having to report everything back to my mom after 33 years?

I have tried to run away before, believe me. But it never seemed to work. I wanna open my window to a snow scenery, play with my kids and kiss my husband. I can’t wait until it’s just the 4 of us.

She’s already synchronized our iphones and learned to facetime, of course. – She’s not the technology love, so, this IS a big thing in her world-.

I know she’s going to miss the girls, but I need the quiet.

So, yes. Sometimes I’m happy about leaving and sometimes I’m crying. Maybe I’ve gone bipolar after all… or maybe there just really are pros and cons to it!

We’ve made it.

I was going through some old pictures today. Pictures from when I was pregnant and from when they were really small. Every time I look at those pictures I’m thinking “I wouldn’t wanna go back there”.

It is a magical moment, so they say, but I remember not having enough time even to cry. I was not allowed to break down and I certainly couldn’t rest. I wanted to cry from lack of sleep. Seriously.

I remember sleeping for a whole 20 minutes on the day my girls were born and thinking “Oh, God! I fell asleep! I CAN’T fall asleep”.

I watch movies where you see a sister, a mom or a friend holding a newborn so that the mom can rest from the labour. Well, that never happened to me. Main reason being because only my husband were allowed to enter the hospital and we had two babies and a mom with no milk. Do your math.

I also remember being trapped inside the house. I couldn’t go anywhere. I had to breastfeed a baby every hour. They’d spend 25 minutes in my breast to stimulate the milk, then I’d switch to the bottle, then I’d change the diaper, rest for 10 minutes and pick up the other baby. That was the routine, including in the middle of the night.

Seven days after the girls were born, I actually left the house for a couple minutes. I felt so free! I could walk again and I didn’t look like THIS anymore:

pregnantshelly

I know.

I remember one day, they were 2 months old precisely and my husband and I had to take the IELTS exam… so, we left the babies with our parents and went out alone for the first time. We felt SO guilty, we finished the test and even though we wanted to take a walk and grab something to eat, we couldn’t do it! We HAD to hurry back to them, even though they consumed every last sign of strength in our bodies.

shellyandbaby

shellyandbaby2

We couldn’t go anywhere with them really, because any small excitement would cause endless cramps and suffering, so we avoided leaving the house with them because we desperately wanted to sleep for more then one hour straight in the night. I’m not sure if it solved the problem, but the few times we ignored our own rule I WAS HELL. So, we pretty much stuck by our rule and waited for the 100-ish crampy days to go by. Slowly, very slowly.

So, for five months they cried and cried and cried and the only moment they’d stop crying was when they were sleeping. ‘Til one day… they started crying for 3 hours straight instead of 5. Next thing I knew, they were crying for 10 minutes. It was magical!

They actually woke up crying every day until they were about 16 months BUT it was nothing compared to the first 5 months. We wanted to go out, like normal un-encacerated people but we could never take them (harly ever, I mean) and it sucked. It really sucked leaving the house without our babies… our minds were never really there.

I kept imagining what it would be like when they were a bit bigger, when the cramping days would be over, when we could take them to the mall with us and have a good time…

So, one day…

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See my point here? Having a newborn beats being pregnant with twins at anytime. Having a 6 months old baby beats having a newborn and having a one year old is a lot less complicated than having a 6 months old baby. I can barely wait to have a baby I can actually talk to and who’ll tell me WHY they’re crying!

Things are always changing. For better!

ps
moving update: 2 and a half weeks to go, people!

14 day diet – day 2

Day 2 was hard. Not the diet, but the actual day. Both my girls are sick and can’t breathe through their noses, which keeps me up most of the night. I, like all moms, don’t understand why we can’t choose to get sick instead of our kids. It’s the kind of day when you deserve a nice cup of cocoa when they finally fall asleep and things calm down, I didn’t care about the stupid diet at 5:40 am when my baby was trying to breathe, but I decided to stay strong ’cause I’m sick and tired of living with all this extra weight.

So, this was day 2:

This was supposed to be breakfast… but I woke up pretty late, from being up all night (the joys of being unemployed) so I actually ate this around 5pm:   My first meal of the day was what considered a pretty satisfying lunch , especially compared with the day1 meals:

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That’s stake and all-the-wrong-fruit. We only had bananas and papaya so, that’s what I had, even though we all know bananas are pretty caloric.

And dinner was all you could eat ham… it turns out, I can eat a LOT of ham.

Before I went to bed (at least I thought I was going to bed at that time) I had actually GAINED 1 pound. So, I looked at my ankles and they were HUGE! I took a diuretic ’cause I figured I was retaining water for some reason (diet soda is the reason, people) and I actually woke up 4 pounds lighter. Water retention is a bˆ%$#. I did ask the doctor if I should take the diuretics, though. Don’t go around taking those, thinking they’re gonna make you lose weight. It’s not the way it works, despite the way I’ve worded my sentence above!

By morning, my girls were happy and playing. They’re still a bit sick, which breaks my heart, but I’m doing everything I can to make them feel better.

Day 3 is here and I have so much on my mind I’m not hungry at all anymore… we’ll see if I can go through with this!

Fingers crossed!

Take care =)

14 day diet – Day 1

I have always disliked my body. I’ve struggled with the same 6 pounds that seemed impossible to lose from when I was 15 to 27.

Whenever I gained one pound or two, I’d starve myself for 2 days that’d be that. I’d be back to normal again, and still wishing I could drop 6 more pounds. Which I absolutely never did… never in almost 15 years.

So, one day I got a job that demanded me to stay in front of a computer, under pressure for 12 hours a day. I stopped weighting myself every day to control those 2 extra pounds that’d appear in my life from time to time, but I felt pretty much the same.

Six months later I had gained 20 pounds.

I don’t know how that happened. Ok, I do know. I ate every time I felt hungry, which was something I had never ever done before in my entire life. I had been hungry for the past 15 years and suddenly, I there was never a moment of the day when I was crazy hungry. I was “full” all the time.

So, I got pregnant.

Unlike most people, I gained zero weight during pregnancy. I was eating healthy and I think pregnancy itself is pretty consuming for your body… so, if you eat alright you don’t really gain any weight. I left the hospital 5 pounds away from my goal… and that seemed great.

Except it happened again.

After maternity leave, I went back to work and BAM… I gained 20 pounds!

JESUS CHRIST it’s so annoying!

But the thing is, losing weight after pregnancy is a completely different thing then it was before. Not eating doesn’t equal losing weight! It seriously doesn’t! I’ve starved myself for a month and still didn’t drop a pound!

My doctor explained to me that stuff like waking up in the middle of the night all the time and being under stress would keep me fat, even if I didn’t eat much. I am seriously annoyed.

My birthday was in May, and that’s when I started taking ballet again. I was super excited and I was doing it every day… well, ever since I started my ballet classes again, I gained 10 pounds.

A-A-A-A-A-R-G-H

So, I’m starting one of those crazy 14 day diets. I figured that if I dropped some weight, any weight, I’d feel encouraged to start eating right after those 14 days and convinced that it is in fact food that’s keeping me fat. For now, I think it’s black magic or something equally as evil.

-I do plan on the 21 days one, girls! I just need to do this first ’cause I’m seriously inpatient right now –

Damn it, I promised myself I’d keep this introduction short. I’m terrible at keeping things short…

Let’s go straight to my first day menu, shall we?

So, this was lunch: (there’s no breakfast on the first day)

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Lunch on the first day consists on 2 boiled eggs.

And then you spend the whole day trying not to think about food…

I did, however, have a diet coke. Oh yeah, I must have screwed up the diet and gained at least 5 pounds right there ’cause that’s the way my body works.

So I dyed my hair and played with my girls. There’s actually a picture where we can all see how my forehead is still a bit orange and my eyebrows don’t match my hair but my baby loves me anyway:

mammakiss

See? That’s me. Not thinking about food.

Finally, it was time for dinner and I was happy to feast myself with this oh-so-nutritive portion of …

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Lettuce and cucumber!

I bet you’re all hungry from seeing these delicious plates, right?

Good news is I’m done with day 1. And day 1 is the meanest of all days! Tomorrow there’s Stake and fruit and ham…

If I actually manage to go through these 14 days, I actually hope, in my heart that I will drop a few pounds… otherwise I’m gonna have to dig deeper into this thing ’cause it’s just NOT normal and I do not need to find out about any hormonal disfunction at this point!

Damn, I’m hungry.

– And also terribly sorry about all the cursing. I’m way too hungry to measure my words.-

Night, fellows! There’s a cracker waiting for me in the morning! God, I can’t wait!

SO-EXCITED about that cracker!

Ok, I’m going, bye!