Stop it, mom! I’m 33!

Do you ever feel like disappearing? Not vanishing from the world, no. Disappearing from your parent’s cell phone range, I mean. Even though you’re an adult. Am I the only one?

I know I’m pretty close to my parents and part of that is due to the fact that we still live with them (6 days to go). But even back during architecture school when I actually had my own apartment (but almost never spent the night there) I still felt like I owned my parents a overwhelming amount of satisfaction.

I remember this one saturday when I was so tired I wanted to sleep for 40 hours. But I couldn’t! My mom called 27 times (for real) until I got up, got in the bus and went back home. She does that a lot. “Are you gonna sleep all day?” Well, yes. We all deserve to sleep for an entire day every once in a decade. It’s a reward.

She needs to know everything. EVERYTHING. I left a little red paper over the table one day and said to my husband “the first thing my mom is gonna say when she walks into the house is going to be “WHAT’S THAT? THAT’S NEW!”. And I was right. There’s no keeping secrets from her. There’s no keeping nothing from her. She actually found out that I was pregnant before I did. She called me and gave me my own news. That’s messed up.

So, yeah, I am going to miss my dad a lot. But am I a horrible, terrible, mean person for saying I’m glad I’m gonna take a long breath and feel a little lighter for not having to report everything back to my mom after 33 years?

I have tried to run away before, believe me. But it never seemed to work. I wanna open my window to a snow scenery, play with my kids and kiss my husband. I can’t wait until it’s just the 4 of us.

She’s already synchronized our iphones and learned to facetime, of course. – She’s not the technology love, so, this IS a big thing in her world-.

I know she’s going to miss the girls, but I need the quiet.

So, yes. Sometimes I’m happy about leaving and sometimes I’m crying. Maybe I’ve gone bipolar after all… or maybe there just really are pros and cons to it!

We’re tired

Well, I am.

Moving away is exhausting. It feels a little bit like dying, to be honest. I’m not sure I’ve actually written this here before, because I remember thinking that exact thought. You say goodbye to a lot of people, like you do every day… like the woman at the bakery. She has no idea this is the last time she’ll be asking you how the kids are doing… but you know it is.

I went by my high school and I took a picture of the street. I must have walked down that street at least 1000 times before. I went up and down those stairs 1000 times as well… but this time, I knew it was the last time.

It’s weird the things that end up in that one beg you’re able to carry with you and supposedly sum up all your 33 years. Your most comfortable old blue pajamas and the pillow cases that smell like home. I look at my stuffed animals, the ones I’ve had since I was a baby, and I’m thinking “I’m not ready to leave them here”… I’m just… not.

But I am ready to leave. I’ve always been. Ever since I was a teenager translating Hanson or Alanis Morissette songs and trying my best to learn English, so I could leave one day. I’ve been planning this moment, dreaming about this moment for over 20 years. I do not have any doubts. I just wish it was easier on everyone else. And I wish I didn’t feel like leaving this world instead of just leaving this country…

I hope one one hates us -too much- out there. And I hope we can finally find a place to stay… it’s been quite hard. But I owe this to my kids and to myself. I can’t afford to quit my biggest dream…