Damn it!

I banged my head on my desk at work last Monday, had a concussion, hadn’t been to work all week and this is the first time I’m able to write an entire line without feeling nauseated.

I’ll be back once I feel better. Don’t wanna push it.

Damn it! =/

The spider bite

Sometimes a spider bite changes us inside.

I was never too good at putting my finger on what was bothering me. Sometimes, I just don’t know what’s going on, but I know there’s something there – something big, even.

Most of the time, the people who know me well are able to identify what it is even before I do.

Ever since we came to Canada, I haven’t been able to relax. At first, we were in Brockville, which was an adorable little place but I started thinking it was too small after a while. We absolutely couldn’t find any kind of job there – EVER! Now that I think about it, even if we had found a job there, I did think it was too confining and our options would be too limited specially without much money.

I am a small town lover anyway (And it’s ok to blame it on Everwood) but the moment we got out of the taxi on Ottawa, we just looked at each other and realized we needed to move somewhere bigger. There was no discussion. “We HAVE to live here” we both said at the same time.

I tried and tried to find work in Ottawa and it never happened. Almost happened, but not really.

Until this one day, I get a call. Didn’t think much of it ’cause the job seemed way beyond my skills but I still showed up for the interview.

Next thing we know, I’m hired and we are moving to a bigger city within a week. I am working, the place is nice, the work is slightly complicated but I’m comfortable doing it (it’s very similar to what I used to do back in Brazil). The girls adjusted fine. Everything seems great but I still had that weird feeling like I couldn’t breathe deeply. It was like a constant mild panic attack that wouldn’t go away.

Finally, it all came together when that tiny spider bit Agatha last week.

When the spider came, we realized had to go.

It might have been the stress, the fact that we hadn’t found a doctor we trusted yet or even just the city shaped like a neighborhood in a high risk area for lyme disease. We don’t know what it was, but we knew we were not home just yet.

I know it’s my fault too. I romantize cities and expect to find myself in a movie set and just fall in love with a place instantly. But I know that instant ” I HAVE to live here”  feeling exists.

I am lucky I have a partner in live who is up for the adventure. We talk about moving up north, to the mountains, anywhere really and we push each other forward. Before the girls start school, make friends and get attached to a place we wanna make sure we’ve lived in different places and chosen the best one to settle, so we can call it home. No regreats.

It’s out there, people. Hopefuly, before summer temperatures punishes us again, we’ll be heading there.