Getting so much fatter all the time

It’s a long story.

It started when I was a child. My mom is one of those people who could NEVER stay on a diet. She eats uncontrollably. I’m talking 4 chocolate bars while watching a movie and I’d scream at her “If you wanna lose weight you JUST DON’T EAT. It’s THAT simple, mo-om.”

We had a healthy relashionship.

So, all the way through my entire life, she was on a diet because my mom was on a diet. That way I learned about calories – I know how many calories, how much sugar and fat each and everything I eat has and I’m very surprised when people around me (my husband) have no idea of what they’re eating –

I’ve been counting the calories I have in a day to make sure it’s under 1200 since I was 12. Sometimes, when my mom was feeling bad, we did 700.

And that’s how it was until I was 27 and I weight the same thing I did when I was 12.

I do not remember not being hungry. I was always hungry. But I was ok with it, I was used to it and my focus was to never, ever gain weight and be like my mom.

I was never skinny, though. Ever. I never felt comfortable enough to wear the clothes I wanted or to go to the beach in a bikini like the other girls. Nope. Never did that.

Whenever I told people I felt fat and uncomfortable they’d go “You’re crazy” Blah, blah blah. But I did.

Except now, I know that I AM in fact fat AND VERY uncomfortable for real ’cause when I tell people that, they suggest diets and tell me I should really try to lose weight.

Funny thing is, I know I’m fat NOW but this is the way I’ve always felt in the inside. Overweight. And, when I think about it ….I probably wasn’t fat at all. I just couldn’t see that.

When I left the hospital with the girls I was just fine. I was like 5 pounds overweight but my stomach was huge – obviously – so, I figured it’d just go back to normal and take away the 5 pounds with it.

So, I tried really hard to keep the weight down so I’d be back to normal in no time.

After 30 days, my stomach was identical to the day I left the hospital. It hadn’t go back one inch. I felt sad.

I started taking the brestfeeding pill, I went back to work, it didn’t matter if I was thin or fat… I felt like I’d never be me again. So, I ate.

I ate because I was sad. I ate because I was hungry. I ate because I couldn’t control it.

I gained 40 pounds -and counting-.

And I feel like shit.

And I know I’ve said this before, even here. But I figured I should write about it as a public (maybe not THAT public ’cause it’s kind of a blog for myself +5… but public-ish) … where was I? As a PUBLIC STATEMENT that I can do this and that it’d be very embarrassing for me to quit the diet in front of all these 5 people! And I’ll be very inspired by this amazing mom.

This ends now, people.

It just has to.

2 thoughts on “Getting so much fatter all the time

  1. Ugh. Eating disorders are so destructive. I’m sorry you inherited the toxic self image. But I’m sending my support for you to wrestle back your sense of self and achieve the goal you’ve set for yourself. Along the way please be kind to yourself.

    Like

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