A new kind of “calm”

When the girls were born and they’d cry religiously from 7:30pm ’til midnight every-single-day and then wake up in 2 hours again -crying- all through the night and day, I admit some days I’d beg my husband to take me out for a little bit, which usually didn’t last for longer than 40 minutes. So, my mom would call us and tell us that they were crying desperately and we ran back home…

At that point relaxing meant breathing for 5 minutes away from the crying. I needed to get a way from them – for as terrible as it may sound – because they were always (always) crying or about to cry. And I was making a huge effort to keep them happy – or calm – for a while. A very short while.

I just couldn’t relax. They’d both scream at the same time and be hungry at the same time and I just couldn’t pick them both up and make their bottles and feed them together because I’d have to make them burp at the same time too – which would take about 20 to 40 minutes, otherwise they would throw up (no exception) – and if they DID throw up at the same time, THEN I’d have a problem, because they’d choke at the same time.

See where I come from?

At that point, I developed a condition where I’d be afraid of being alone with them. If you left me alone with them, you’d see me panicking in fetal position most likely later that day (my panic attacks always seem to come after the situation has passed).

So, I kinda associated breathing deeply with the need of being locked in the bathroom and having someone else watching them for me for a couple of minutes. And it was like that for a long time.

But things change.

I’m not saying I’m completely over it, but now that they are two I’m finally beginning to understand that I can relax when I’m alone with them. They won’t freak out or choke because they can hold their necks now. They don’t need to be burped. The colics  days are behind us.

My husband went to Brockville to bring our furniture yesterday and he’s not back yet. And I’m not freaking out. They are watching the minions movie (which I think was kinda lame, but they love it) and I’m writing about it…

Yes, my heart is pounding and I’m not fully relaxed… but I’m learning. I now, I believe I can do this.

I wish I was strong like everyone else sometimes.

Some other times, I like the intensity of my drama.

It comes with being a gemini, I guess.

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