Shitty tuesday

Yesterday was a shitty day.
I think I need some days to be really bad every now and then, though, since I tend to take things for granted.
We are all laughing about it today, and I’m happy about that. But I’m still a little stress out – as the rashes on my body are here to remind me.
One of my colleagues has a two year old. She said her baby hadn’t been feeling well for a couple of days. Her little girl kept complaining about her knee and had a fever.
When I first heard she say that, the word meningitis popped into my brain, but as the drama queen that I am, I figured I was definitely overreacting and I din’t say anything, except that I really though she should see a doctor.
A couple minutes later, her husband called saying the little girl couldn’t move her neck.
Yes, I freaked.
I remembered her little eyes and how she reminded me so much of my little girls. I knew she was someone’s baby. I thought about my babies. About me. Were we all in danger?
I kept wishing that wasn’t real. I couldn’t eat or concentrate on anything.
So, our boss came and took my colleague to sick kids, where they actually confirmed she was gonna be tested for meningitis.
By the time he got back, pretty much all of our team was devastated. Him included. We just googled our fingertips off trying to dig up some good news.
I was specially worried because the little girl had some very specific symptoms like a stiff neck and pain on her knees.
I didn’t wanna go home. I didn’t wanna be sick and pass it to my girls. I didn’t want that little girl to be sick… I was just… Terrified.
But it was all a big nightmare and around 5:30 that night we woke up. I finally got a text saying “it’s a NO for meningites” and I could finally breathe again.
I was glad when the day was finally over.

We’re gonna be just fine

We’re camping.

Not outside, ‘cause I’m still me and very much afraid of bugs, birds, snakes, spiders and probably trees. But we’re still camping inside the apartment right now.

It was easier this time though, moving, I mean. When we first came to Canada the girls did not recognize the new apartment as a safe place and they wouldn’t leave our laps. They were terrified, they wouldn’t eat, they got sick. It was NOT a fun couple of weeks. Eventually, we spread their toys around and bought a few pieces of furniture to make it look more like a house and they were fine. It took a while, though.

So, of course, we were worried that something similar could happen this time. But there’s a God out there (probably) and the girls were just running around and playing in the new apartment from the moment they got there! Even though our furniture is not here yet!

We are now finally able to breath a little. Hopefully we’ll have a fun weekend and rest a little bit.

As fun as it is though, I do not enjoy doing things last minute. Thing is, they confirmed that we would get the apartment Saturday night at 10pm because It took us forever to get the Equifax report, since we are not from here and we haven’t been here long. So I was on the phone on Saturday from 10am to 3pm trying to do this.  So, yeah, I was a little bit stressed out, I’d say – specially since this was Saturday in Brockville and I had to be at work on Monday… in Pickering!

That’s the reason we couldn’t pack properly! We had no idea if we would be able to bring our stuff with us or if I should pack for a week and we’d be staying at the hotel because the landlord was still deciding if he’d accept us or not.

By the time the landlord said yes, I had already booked the hotel and there was NO WAY I could get a u-hull, a driver and pack in 2 hours on a SUNDAY, so we came to Pickering on Sunday afternoon with just a couple of things and stayed at the hotel!

So, Monday came and I acted like I had my life all together at work.

It turns out I’m not a good actress ‘cause everyone knew things were a mess! Yep. There goes my oscar nomination.

Even though the landlord accepted us, we still had to make the deposit for 5 months rent and a bunch of paper work had to be done (like insurance for the place and stuff like that) before they could actually give us the keys.

We ended up getting the keys to the apartment on Tuesday night but we didn’t go there before Wednesday at noon, when I we checked out of the hotel during lunch hour.

Yes, I was running everywhere WITHOUT a car, which makes everything so-much-harder!

Lucky for me I’ve actually carefully selected the BEST working team in all of Canada and decided to work with them. Not only my boss told me to stay home so we could move to the apartment, one of my colleagues actually came over with food and all kinds of supplies for us and the girls. I mean… SERIOUSLY? How ridiculously awesome are they?

My desk at work is already all decorated with pictures of the girls. I live 8-minutes-away and everyone here just seems very (VERY) calm and they’ve been working here for 10 years or longer (which means it’s not a place people would wanna leave, I think). I have all kinds of benefits (which I don’t understand) and the work is pretty complex but very doable!

It’s all coming together, people!

We’re gonna be just fine!

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Ups and Downs

My grandmother, who I didn’t care much for, used to say many, MANY stupid things. Amongst them, there’s one I’ll never forget. She said she always felt scared when things were going well, because that could only mean something terrible was about to happen.

For some reason, that got into my head and stayed there forever. That might be the reason -one of the reasons- why I’m always complaining, even when I have nothing to complain about and terribly afraid of being happy.

Yesterday I was happy. My husband actually told me he could just see in my eyes how happy I was. Things were going well, I got a new job, we’re moving, the girls are definitely NOT going through any kind of “terrible-two” crisis. They’re being easy and playing calmly most of the time. Everything was so great I wasn’t even nervous-eating.

So, today we went downtown and had a great day. The girls played outside, and they walked through (almost) the whole thing, like the big girls that they are.

I came home and before I sent my confirmation e-mails to the company, I automatically logged in to facebook. And there it was…

My favourite aunt has cancer. Ovaries.

Unlike most of us, she never dreamt about having a nice house, traveling around the world or being a super star. She only wanted to be a mother and a wife. And that’s why I think this is so unfair.

For as far as I can remember she was complaining about not having a boyfriend. Not having a husband. Not having a baby. It’s been that way her whole life.

“I’m waiting for love”, she always says.

I remember this one day, she was holding one of my cousin’s twins when she looked at me and said “is it possible that I’ll go through life without ever holding one of these knowing it’s my own?” I looked at her, not knowing what to say, wondering if she realized she had just turned 50 years old.

Maybe she realized that then. And maybe that made her sick.

She started smoking again. She reached new levels of sad. She realized her dreams would have to wait for a next life.

Even now, she’s acting like she doesn’t want to go through treatment. What would be the point of getting better if there’s no one to go back to?

And it’s so unfair.

It’s unfair that I had a happy day and my kids are jumping up and down the bed right now. I didn’t do anything right enough to deserve this. And she didn’t do anything wrong enough to deserve going through what she’s about to go through. Alone.

The interview

It happened 2 weeks ago.

As usual, I’d wake up and browse through indeed, hoping I’d find something that suited my abilities.

When I was filling out this one job application there were all these crazy weird questions about programming and I just assumed I was not right for the role…

But they called.

It was such a relief to get a call back after months of not even a “no, thank you”!

I had never realized it before – when I was childless and living with my parents – but looking for work is crazy and stressful. It’s like a full time job, ’cause it seriously takes up your whole day.

I was exhausted. I tried everything, – including the night shift at McDonald’s – I had given up on all my dreams and my career, I just wanted to feed my kids once our savings were gone. At the same time, I wanted to quit and not think about it for a while.

But I could’t.

So, the lady on the phone said “I’ll let you know if you are one of the selected candidates and if the manager would like to meet with you in person for an interview”.

I absolutely never in my life thought they would call me back.

But they did!

So, I went all the way to Pickering, which took me about 4 hours and I met with this very, very simpathetic person. We just talked and talked as I waited for the lady who was going to interview me. In fact, we talked so much I was actually late for the meeting even though I had gotten there probably half and hour early.

It’s all about luck, I suppose. It doesn’t mean they’re ever hiring someone better than you once you don’t get a job. It just means the moment wasn’t right.

I tried to keep myself positive, ’cause I believe it helps. I didn’t wanna  get lost in day dreams and then find myself terribly disappointed. I didn’t wanna write about it and jinks it.

So, that’s why you haven’t been hearing much from me lately. I was just waiting for those calls… to nervous and scared to actually talk about it.

Oh, and before I forget…

I start on Monday.

Thanks guys for reading and sending me good energies!

ps: Lindsay we very much wanna hear about toddler activities in Toronto! o/