I can’t stop

I’ve been eating a lot and, even though I wanna cry every time I see my reflection somewhere, I still can’t stop.

I can’t stop because sometimes it’s 2 in the morning when one of them finally falls asleep, and I know the other one has been sleeping since 9:30 and will be up shortly. So, I open a box of cookies. And I eat it. ‘Cause if I don’t, I’ll have a breakdown. I do not have time for a breakdown.

I can’t stop because I’m nervous that none of us has gotten a job yet. My heart is pounding. All the time. So, I have a cup of warm milk. Maybe 4.

I hate myself right now and the fact that my clothes don’t fit anymore. I can’t look in the mirror. I can’t run.

Still, whenever my heart races again, I seem to forget how much I hate myself right now and I grab yet another slice of pizza.

I’m not even hungy.

I’m not even myself anymore.

4 thoughts on “I can’t stop

    1. I’m so lucky I started this blog. You guys make me feel like I’m not alone at all. I’m not even sure I deserve it, but I’m very happy you’re “here”. Thank you both. From the bottom of my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. My heart hurts for you. I’ve been there before, and it’s a really hard place to be in. May I suggest you be gentle with yourself? Forgive yourself for eating when you’re stressed/upset/sat/nervous/happy. Be kind to yourself. You’ve undergone a HUGE life change recently, and you’re in a brand new place with so many unknowns. Let’s focus on the positives for a second: you’re brave, smart, thoughtful, loving, a good mama, courageous and…soon to be employed. I just know it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so lucky I started this blog. You guys make me feel like I’m not alone at all. I’m not even sure I deserve it, but I’m very happy you’re “here”. Thank you both. From the bottom of my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

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