I miss my parents

I miss my parents very much. Not the ones that just took of on an airplane back to Brazil a couple hours ago, though. Well, yes, those too.

But, I also miss the parents I had when I was a little girl. The ones who would carry me around, keep me from any danger and guide me through life. Protect me.

I guess I miss being a kid and be able to run to my dad’s arms when things are too complicated so he can find a solution that’d envolve taking me to a walk and buying me a small doll that represents him when I miss him too much before he comes home for dinner. The kind of stuff that can’t be done anymore.

I’m deeply happy that they’re still here in this planet with us. That they met their grandchildren, who have actually motivated me very (VERY) scared father to get in an airplane for the first time in his 63 years. I’m so happy they left Brazil for the first time and saw a little bit of the world out there. I wasn’t able to show them much, for we don’t have a car, but I took my dad for a walk, just like we used to do every single day, for my whole life, even if we were just out to get milk, and everything, though simple, was so amazing for him. The snow, the different cars. He was happy.

I was happy too.

Our family runs on small things. Small moments. We don’t do fancy restaurants or visit big cities. We don’t really need that. A walk around the block is fine by us. And that’s a good thing I think.

Still, sometimes being the mom makes me tired. Being everyone’s mom. Taking care of the ones around me, even my parents , who are afraid of their cell phone’s apps just makes me wish I was the baby sometimes. Maybe for 5 minutes. To be held by someone who’s got it under control and to know that as long as I’m being held by those arms nothing can harm me. Like I felt when I was a little kid. It might have been a lie, actually, like right now, my babies might live under the illusion that mommy knows what she’s doing. Well, she doesn’t… but still, nothing can harm you when you’re in your  mother’s arms. And that’s a fact.

Bye mom,

Bye dad.

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I can’t stop

I’ve been eating a lot and, even though I wanna cry every time I see my reflection somewhere, I still can’t stop.

I can’t stop because sometimes it’s 2 in the morning when one of them finally falls asleep, and I know the other one has been sleeping since 9:30 and will be up shortly. So, I open a box of cookies. And I eat it. ‘Cause if I don’t, I’ll have a breakdown. I do not have time for a breakdown.

I can’t stop because I’m nervous that none of us has gotten a job yet. My heart is pounding. All the time. So, I have a cup of warm milk. Maybe 4.

I hate myself right now and the fact that my clothes don’t fit anymore. I can’t look in the mirror. I can’t run.

Still, whenever my heart races again, I seem to forget how much I hate myself right now and I grab yet another slice of pizza.

I’m not even hungy.

I’m not even myself anymore.

Grandparents

My parents came to Canada for 30 days. That’s 30 days with us, parents, grandparents one great-grandparent, two toddlers and ONE bathroom.

In my head – ’cause I’m a dreamer – this would be a time to watch all those episodes of Orange is the new black I missed and maybe throw in a little bit of vintage Ashton Kutcher stuff (reads, “That 70’s show”). It was gonna be awesome!

Why would I think that? Seriously.

The fact that I got a one-month job at the mall and I wasn’t home most of the time resulted in a gigantic, enormous I mean, really big pile of dishes waiting for me when I got home every day.The house is upside down. I can’t find anything. I’d probably rather use a public bathroom by now and the girls are being impossible!

My parents just do whatever the hell the girls want (’cause they’re grandparents) and my mom is still my mom. She has no sense of logic and she can’t even put on Agatha’s pants . “I don’t wanna disturb her” – she says.

Now that I’m done complaining, and I’m calm, let’s do pluses.

Dad’s payed for everything since he’s been here and the girls are talking quite a little, ’cause my mom does NOT shut up.

I was actually able to go for short walks with my husband during nap time and we actually had lunch together!

The girls are very different. Like, right now, they’re watching cartoons (and have been for a while) while playing on the floor with their toys and they don’t really need me. Really, that’s awesome. I’ve longed for the day when I’d be able to do anything inside the house apart from watching them constantly. It took forever.

So, right now I’m at the moment when I’ve got a little time to myself and I cannot decide between taking a shower, watching some TV or making myself a huge cauppuccino.

Oh, never mind, they’re both crying.

 

Later, guys!