I miss being young

I was watching that documentary about Jared Leto’s band and I realized something: I really miss being young. I’ve been in love with a fan of Jared since he played Jordan Catalano on My So-called life. That TV show was so powerful and inspiring to me in so many ways I could talk about it forever.

Every character had this inner battle, specially Jared’s. And, every time he closed his eyes and leaned against the wall it was like there were a million things going through his had and he was carrying this huge load he just couldn’t talk about because nobody would understand… or maybe he just couldn’t express it in words. So, all we got from him were these simple 2 or 3 words sentences. He wasn’t from this superficial world. To get into his mind you’d have to go deeper. Nobody could have played it better than a future oscar winner.

To me, as a teenager, it was kinda like that. Every little thing about the world was so intense. I was this weird, complicated kid who was afraid of brushing her hair because it could reveal some disease – I got that from watching movies I was NOT old enough to watch with my mom -. But that’s just who I was… at least that’s what I felt like. A little Jordan Catalano, who could read.

When I was 15 one of our teachers asked us to write a text about a book. The book wasn’t poetic at all, but my review was. She said that there was a poet inside me, longing to come out and show himself to the world. I felt like I could do anything when she said that in front of the whole class. I felt artistic and filled with all these feelings… I’ll never forget her.

But I grew up. I’m a mom in my mid 30’s. That pretty much means I’m not allowed to die my hair blue ’cause I feel like I don’t belong. I’m not allowed to wear cool clothes ’cause I’m not Brad Pitt and people probably won’t hire me if I show up dressing the way I did back when my so-called life was still on. I have a pattern to follow… it’s the responsible thing to do and the kids gotta eat.

Which brings us back to jared…

He still closes his eyes in the middle of a sentence and you can tell he’s really emotional about what he’s saying. I wish I could do that.

It’s so cool that when you’re an artist you get a poetic license to express yourself even when you’re older. Steven Tyler does it very well too. And I think us, normal people totally deserve that. I mean, I miss it. I should not miss it. I should be able to be me and experience every intense feeling of the world instead of surviving every day worrying about finding a job or the bills I gotta pay.

Yes, there’s people suffering in Africa and even back home, right next to me and my complaints are shallow. I’m sorry. Blame it on the poet inside, who just wishes to feel, instead of just getting by.

Good night, guys. And please, no spoilers on my amost-10-years-old documentary. The babies only allow me to watch like 10 mintutes a day. It’ll take me a while!

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