I just wanna be me

Remember high school? When we had our whole lives ahead of us and we thought we could be anything we wanted? Did you ever worry about growing old back then? And also, did you ever worry that time would go by so fast that when you actually got super-old you wouldn’t be prepared to be so close to death and started panicking over that thought at the age of 5? Seriously, people. It can’t be just me.

It’s things like that that had my mom believing I was a very smart kid. She still thinks that, actually, but it’s not a compliment anymore. Meaning: “how could such a smart kit turn into such a stupid adult?”. She’ll never forgive me for not becoming a plastic surgeon. She’ll basically never forgive me for not making all of her dreams come true. I did manage to accomplish a few from her list, in fact.

So, when I was young and weird, I took all these puzzle IQ tests and I read, and I read, and I read, ’cause for some reason it was my job to be outstanding at everything I did. It was God’s gift to me. No, wait! Not to me, to my mom.

It was partially ok, because I actually believed I could be outstanding at everything I tried – we’re not talking about sports here, obviously. – But I was no genius, I was a talkative kid with a decent IQ, and now, whenever I fail at something the results aren’t pretty.

Ok, I’m ready to admit it.

I’ve failed my driving test.

A few times.

Wasn’t I the super genius my mom told me I was, who was good at everything she did, even tests she never studied for and could speak languages without ever taking a lesson? Isn’t THAT my main characteristic? Isn’t that who I am?

How could I possibly have believed my mom so blindly that now I’m lost, trying to figure out what kind of quality is left there inside me that’s real?

I’m not the super smart person who is good at everything she does. I’m a pretty stupid person, specially emotionally, who can’t control herself enough to show coordination during a simple driving exam. That’s who I am.

I had no idea. I don’t know who I am anymore. My whole life I might have just believed what people told me without taking the time to analyze myself and finding out what it is that I like, dislike, can or cannot do.

I say I like the winter, but that’s surprisingly my mom’s favorite season. I like English and watching movies. She’s an English teacher (who’s never taught be a word, let’s make that clear)… who loves movies. I don’t know if there’s a part of me who disagrees with her. I might just be the projection of the things she wanted to do with her life, but was too lazy to do it.

I’m pretty sure I like chocolate ice-cream. That came from inside me. And I like ballet. Ok, so, that’s two things. I’m 33 years old and I know 2 things about me already. I hope there’s more to it. It’s probably impossible for a human being to be that shallow. I’ll find out the rest in the morning, I suppose.

I wonder if I have a quality, though. And I wonder what is is.

Also, it’s cold today… so I took a picture of  the girls wearing their hats. I love the cold! Or DO I, now?

I better find out who I am soon enough… these girls need a centered mom with lot’s on answers and not so many questions.

God, I hope I don’t mess them up.

photo 1-4

Love,

Shelly

2 thoughts on “I just wanna be me

  1. Oh God. I can definitely relate to that. I’m in high school presently and those are my worries exactly. As adulthood looms closer and closer I have no idea what to do and no idea what’s going to become of me and the most annoying response I get is “You’re young! Don’t worry about those things yet!”. But I do nonetheless.
    I wrote a poem at the age of seven in which one of the lines said “I hear whispers of fate, but I do not listen/I wonder what heaven will be like.” or something along those lines. So yeah. It’s not just you. XD

    Like

    1. I wonder if there should be a warning for “kids” not to read my post at the risk of messing them up! Too late for that. Right? Oh, God!

      Like

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